The United Kingdom Institute of Centre Squares, UKICS, has today instructed Middlesbrough to change the name of the town’s Centre Square because, after accurate measurement of the 4 sides, they were found to be of varying lengths, and as Joey Johnson, Head Measurement Manager of UKICS said, ‘Well, it can’t be a fucking square then, can it? Thick fucking bastards who called it a fucking square.’
It’s something we’ve probably all known for some time now. A proper square has 4 sides of equal length and contains four 90 degree internal right angles, and, unfortunately, our very own Centre Square has none of that. Council officials are yet to give any indication of what the new name may be but some early suggestions have been Centre Rectangle, or Oblong for those of a certain age, Centre Rhombus, Centre Trapezium and Centre Parallelogram.
Gareth Mount, Official Place Renamer for Middlesbrough, told FNOM, ‘If we do have to change the name, and it is likely we will appeal, then we may well put it to a public vote, which is good, and has the added benefit of being educational as it will raise awareness of the names of a range of 2 dimensional 4 sided shapes, or quadrilaterals as we like to call them. Nothing’s decided yet though.’
So, if the council does decide to appeal, what grounds may they have? Well, we don’t know but we certainly have a few questions we’d like to ask.
Firstly, did they use inches or centimetres? Obviously, you are going to get completely different results?
Secondly, when measuring the length, did they start from the pavement next to Albert Road, which it could be argued is not technically part of the square, or did they start from the end of the grass verge which most people, for hundreds of years, have generally considered to be the end of the Square? It would be obvious to any fucking old blind bastard that if you start from the pavement then that’s going to be longer than the width from MIMA to the council offices than if you start from the grass verge. Thick bastards.
Thirdly, does a Square have to be square. A set square, like you used at school in Technical Drawing, is not square. It’s more like a triangle but we don’t call it a set triangle. In football, when you ask someone to ‘square it’ you don’t expect them to force the shape of the ball into a square, you just want them to fucking pass it to you. When you say to someone ‘be there or be square’, how many of us really want that to happen if they don’t turn up? Pegs aren’t square, so why would you even consider putting one in a round hole? A good square meal is simply a nutritionally well balanced and satisfying meal.
Fourthly, did they measure to the front to of the new office buildings or the back because, if it was the back, then those fucking conniving twats are just trying to take the fucking piss.
Lastly, why did no-one measure the height of the square so you get a cube with its volume rather than just the area like you get with a square. Probably, just couldn’t be fucking bothered with all their, ‘We’re fucking off to measure Trafalgar Square and Times Square because they’re more important’ shit.
Anyway, if you have any stories about rhombi, trapezia or parallelograms, then please send them to FNOM@hottail.eu.uk. and we will shake with the utter infuriation of this absurd and ridiculous situation.
Fantastic News of Middlesbrough 