As we move on to yet another month in this year, that started once again back in January, one thing is abundantly clear, and that one thing is that now is the time for Middlesbrough to start moving further forward and break free from the chains that have kept it in place for so long. Even though, it could be said, those chains have helped prevent it from moving backwards, in terms of forward propulsion, the chains have certainly played a very negative role indeed.
Moving further forward is never easy, especially when you’ve been still for so long, but as the great philosopher, Frederick Neatchair, once said, ‘To move is one thing but to move further forward is an entirely different phenomenon, one requiring a chainless breath of foresight, inclination, rumour and correction. All of these should only ever be abandoned once the erudition of the unconscious mind has become subservient to the advancement of brand, deindustrialisation, webcams and the reality of existence.’
So we know how to move further forward, of that there is absolutely no doubt, but who should be the one to hold the reins, steer the ship, guide us through the difficult days, and they are sure to come, be the light in the dark, drive us on when all is switched off, and be the one to finish the job by getting it done?
Well, let’s have a look at one name that has once again been thrown into the ring, that of, Peregrin Tyson-Bookholder. Peregrin, or Pesser as he likes to be known to give him that air of slight working class authenticity, only came to Middlesbrough by chance when the coach he was on developed mechanical problems on the A19, and was forced to terminate at the bus station. While he waited for a replacement bus service to take him on to Crimdon Dene, he saw, and how he still describes her, his now wife and mother of their 10 children, Matilda, ‘The most beautiful woman I have ever seen.’ Their eyes met, after she’d just finished eating her triple burger sandwich, and it was love at first sight. 12 years later, they are still happily married and settled in Coulby Newham.
After taking a few weeks to get to know Middlesbrough, he immediately decided to become the town’s MP and did so by getting more votes than any other candidate. Within 3 years, he was Chancellor of the Exchequer and only turned down the Presidency of the European Union because we’re not in it anymore, and thought it would be unfair to all the countries still in it. He speaks 6 languages, including Serbo-Croat, has a degree in Nuclear Space Science and Physics, plays golf off a 2 handicap, has circumnavigated the world twice in a hot air balloon, and made 18 appearances for Stockport County before realising they were shit.
His biggest political achievements have been a reduction in child poverty of almost 80%, world peace, reducing CO2 emissions by 93%, and improving social mobility to the extent that the last 8 winners of the Cannes Film Festival Palme D’Or have been the children of immigrant peasant farmers. He has also filled in a bastard loads of potholes.
He only resigned his position last year after being forced to defend himself against tabloid rumours about his relationship with farmyard animals. Anyway, he’s back and seemingly raring to go. Still a very humble man, he said recently, ‘To be given the chance to take Middlesbrough further forward would be excellent. Love it, I would. Absolutely fucking love it, and I promise to stay away from farms.’
So, we stand at the dawn of a new era. The choice is yours and we hope you make the right one.
If you think you are capable of making the right choice, then please let us know at FNOM@hottail.eu.uk. and we will fully investigate your political affiliations, and previous voting preferences, so to assess whether indeed you are capable of making the right choice or, as usual, just playing bloody silly beggars to look good in front of your friends.
Fantastic News of Middlesbrough 