We all know what it’s like when you’ve just had your lunch, or dinner if you would prefer, turned on the telly to watch a repeat of the popular ITV show, Tenable, hosted by the superbly outstanding and brilliant Warwick Davis, when you see out the corner of your eye that the 2 small children playing next door have accidentally kicked their ball into your front garden.
‘Why do they bloody well have to do it just as I’m settling down to watch my favourite programme and, if they want to play football, why can’t they just go round the local playing field that doesn’t exist anymore since they built that new housing estate?’, you ask yourself, just as you hear the dreaded knock at the door. You slowly lift yourself out of your chair and make your way to the front door. It is cold in the hall since the central heating stopped working and you notice the carpet is looking a little threadbare.
You open the door. ‘Hello, Mr Thompson. Please can we have our ball back that we have accidentally kicked in to your front garden?’, comes from the voice of one of the 2 five year old children who are now standing precociously in front of you, seemingly without a care in the world other than to get their ball back from your front garden.
You suddenly notice how chilly it is outside and wonder how soon there might be the first snowfall of the season. An extremely tall man, wearing an old fashioned donkey jacket and a tartan tamoshanta, ambles past your garden wall and nods his head in your direction as if in some sort of friendly informal greeting. Suddenly, and without warning, the other small boy rather abruptly asks, ‘Please can we have our ball back, Mr Thompson? We’ve only got another 15 minutes before we have to go and help our dad clean all the dirt off the cows.’ You fix your stare on the 2 small boys who are really beginning to shiver now as you think that the larger of the 2 boys is probably overweight, and could really do with some exercise, estimating his BMI at somewhere between 27.5 and 29.
The deafening silence, an example of an oxymoron, pierces every sinew of your body, if indeed it can do that, as you prepare your answer. You bend over and whisper quietly in the ear of the slightly overweight boy, with the assured confidence that only a grown man addressing 2 small boys can have, ‘The ball is on my property and there it will remain until such time I will feel pleased to return it. Now off with you to clean the dirt off your family’s cows.’
The boys are disappointed and turn to leave. What will they do without a ball for the next 15 minutes? Scalextric? Backgammon? Breadmaking? But then, as if in some sort of act of recalcitrant defiance, just as they reach the boundary of your property, the smaller of the 2 small boys turns unexpectedly and shouts, ‘Still a complete twatting weird bastard then, Mr Thompson!’ The boys run next door, and you add yet another ball to your existing collection of over 500.
Anyway, apparently something a bit like this happened in Pallister Park last week, but this time the boys simply took the ball without asking as they could just reach over the fence and get it anyway.
If you have any stories about Tenable, Warwick Davis, BMI measurements, or general fantasy, then please contact us FNOM@hottail.eu.uk. and we will be reminded of the Arcade Fire lyrics, ‘If you want something, don’t ask for nothing. If you want nothing, don’t ask for something.’
Fantastic News of Middlesbrough 