Police confirmed today they have cordoned off an area in Albert Park where a giant footprint has been found that is ‘unlike any footprint found in the park for over 250 years’.
Chief Superintendent, Mike Rofone, said, ‘The massive thing was found by 2 dog walkers who were just minding their business walking their dogs, when they stumbled across the giant footprint. It is consistent with descriptions we’ve received of a large mysterious creature walking the streets of the town, so we thought we should cordon it off with tape until we know exactly what it is. So, that’s exactly what we’ve done, excellent police work, and I’d like to thank the officers and members of the public who have helped us getting this done.’
So far, there have been 8 sightings of a mysterious creature that is said to be very tall, hairy and not particularly talkative for reasons the police are yet to determine.
Harry Hillman, who reported the first sighting back in August, gave a particularly vivid description. ‘The creature was 16 feet tall. I know this because I am 5 feet 4 inches and it was exactly 3 times taller than I am, or in absolute terms 10 feet 8 inches taller. Another giveaway was it was stood next to a lamppost reading what looked like a map, and seeming a bit lost as if it just wanted to find its way home to its family that is probably waiting by the fire eating melted marshmallows and crumpets. The lampposts in Middlesbrough are exactly 16 feet tall.’
Harry continued, ‘It was really fucking hairy as well, and I mean hairy hairy, like the hair was its clothes because, as far as I could see, it certainly wasn’t wearing any. Oh yeah, and it had absolutely fucking massive feet, I mean absolutely fucking massive. I thought at the time that if this thing leaves a footprint somewhere then that footprint is going to be absolutely fucking massive, and it seems like that’s what’s gone and happened in Albert Park.’
Janet Stalls, another eyewitness, said, ‘Although it was very tall and hairy with huge feet, I thought it looked quite friendly so, being the type of person I am, I approached it and tried to engage it in small talk about things like the weather and how Carrick was doing alright at the Boro, but how half of the fucking lazy fuckers on the team should be fucking ashamed of themselves the money they’re on. Actually, it’s not like that now but, as a Boro fan, I always like to have a fucking whinge about something. Anyway, it was totally unresponsive so I just thought fuck this for a game of soldiers, and fucked off leaving the hairy twat where it was. I feel a bit embarrassed now as one or two people have told me it might not have spoken English, and was feeling a bit sad and lonely, but I honestly didn’t realise at the time. Just thought it was a fucking typical mardy twat that you get round here.’
The creature is not believed to be dangerous and members of the public are encouraged to use any foreign language that they know, no matter how rudimentary, in an attempt to communicate with the creature and find out exactly why it is here and, more importantly, whether it wants to stay here or just go home, wherever that may be, probably a far off planet beyond the Milky Way in a universe we haven’t even heard of yet.
Chief Superintendent Rofone also said, ‘Please don’t be put off by the size of its feet. In the human species there are plenty of people with exceptionally large feet and, in my experience, they are generally quite nice. At this time, we have no reason to believe this will be any different in the mysterious creature species.’
If you have any experiences of encounters with mysterious creatures or of learning a foreign language, then please send them to FNOM@hottail.eu.uk. and we will wonder at the marvels of creation.
Fantastic News of Middlesbrough 