Residents of the Brambles Farm area of Middlesbrough today welcomed the news that the council will now install a new super slow pelican crossing on Riftfield Road, close to Heron, Ladbrokes and the needle recovery and recycling centre. This will give pedestrians a full 2 minutes to cross the 10 metres of road, allowing them to cross at a speed of exactly 300 metres an hour, which observational studies have concluded is now the average walking speed of the typical Brambles Farm resident.
There have been well over 3000 accidents on the existing Riftfield Road crossing over the last 6 weeks, with pedestrians getting stuck in the middle of the road when the traffic lights turn green, and being hit by cars.
One resident said, ‘This crossing at the moment is just fucking awful. It only gives you 30 seconds to cross the 10 metres of road and it simply isn’t long enough. That’s the equivalent walking speed of 1200 metres an hour and I haven’t walked that fast since I was 16, and I was only 18 stone then.’ Another resident said, ‘An equivalent walking speed of 1200 metres an hour may be alright for the hoiti toiti, la di da posh people in other areas of Middlesbrough, with their jobs and getting up in the morning, but it is simply unacceptable here in Brambles Farm. The next thing you know, they’ll want us to go to the gym. Anyway, this new crossing will slow it down a bit and it should be better, especially for the more fulsome residents in the area.’
A council official apologised for the delay in installing the new pelican crossing and hoped it would reduce the number of accidents in the area, but said that the council genuinely hadn’t realised that the average Brambles Farm resident had become so ‘rounded and portly, and had such massive fucking legs’. He continued, ‘Maybe we should have seen this coming with the price of lard being so low at the moment, and with it being the favourite food of Brambles Farm residents, that they would just simply eat more and more, and just get bigger and bigger. No-one is to blame for this really.’
Car drivers have not welcomed the news though as they fear the longer crossing times will lead to tailbacks on the road. Terry Belteeth, leader of the Campaign Against the New Super Slow Pelican Crossing on Riftfield Road Group, said, ‘This is a disaster for motorists because you just know that some of the little bastards that live round there will be constantly pushing the fucking button and telling us to fuck off. If they do though, I tell you now that I will have absolutely no hesitation in telling the cheeky fuckers to fuck off themselves, the cheeky fuckers. They’re the ones who can fuck off, instead of us fucking off.’ He later apologised for his language.
Please note that no Brambles Farm residents were hurt during the writing of this report.
Are you from the Brambles Farm? If you have any experiences of using the old Rittfield Road crossing, then please send your stories to FNOM@hottail.eu.uk. and we will try to calculate your approximate weight from the details you provide.
Fantastic News of Middlesbrough 