There was a right commotion in the early hours of this morning when the police had to be called to a local pizza shop on Borough Road to help calm down 2 men, both described as having ‘fiery tempers’, who were having a heated argument about who should have had added pineapple on their lovely and delicious looking 15 inch thick crust cheese and ham pizza.
Jessy McFlaherty, the owner of Cheap and Greasy’s, told us what happened. ‘With Brexit, the pandemic, the pingdemic, which by the way is a portmanteau, the shortage of delivery drivers, workers self-isolating, shops not having stuff, and the general fucked up depressing state of life and everything at the moment, like most pizza shops, we are finding it very hard to get pineapple. The two men came into the shop at the same time and both ordered a cheese and ham with added pineapple. We didn’t realise straight away but we only had enough pineapple for one pizza, so we tried to trick the one who looked the most drunk by putting anchovies on his pizza, and hoped he wouldn’t open his box until he was far away from the shop. Anyway, the twat did open it, and noticing the other bloke had pineapple on his, all hell was let loose.’
Fortunately for us at FNOM, the whole argument was caught on state of the art CCTV with surround sound Dolby stereo, and here is the part of the transcript that’s interesting.
To hide their identities, we will call the man who didn’t get the pineapple, Sigmund, after the psychologist Sigmund Freud of id, ego and superego fame, and who everyone’s heard of. The man who got the pineapple, we will call Ivan, after Ivan Pavlov, the bloke who did something with a dog, also called Pavlov.
Sigmund Give me that pineapple now or I will absolutely fucking twat you!
Ivan You twat me? You couldn’t twat a bastard who’s an absolute bastard twat! Have you seen how ugly you are with your nose and stuff?
Sigmund Nowt wrong with ma nose, have you seen your teeth?
Ivan At least my teeth don’t smell of horse manure! See that jacket you’re wearing, did you get it from Halfords? (Note that we didn’t understand the Halfords reference.)
Sigmund I didn’t actually, I got it from me mam’s brother. Bob’s his name, if you want to go and ask him. Anyway, your hair looks like it’s been washed in a frying pan! (Another reference we didn’t get.)
Ivan Well, you’re stinky and horrible so I don’t care about my hair, and if you give me your uncle’s address I will go and ask him about your jacket!
Fortunately, just as things were about to turn nasty, the police arrived and were able to defuse an extremely dangerous and potentially life threatening situation. Thanks to our brave brave men and women of Her Majesty’s Constabulary no blood was shed this day, and the only really bad thing to happen was that the pizzas got cold. Happily, Mr Flaherty agreed to reheat the 2 pizzas but they never taste the same warmed up again.
The two men were last seen eating their pizzas, sitting on a bench on Grange Road seemingly just having a really good laugh about their argument and the general futility of discord. One passerby actually reported Ivan taking a handful of pineapple from his pizza and placing it lovingly on Sigmund’s pizza, and both of them smiling in the most homely and comforting manner. (Please note we have used the words lovingly, comforting and homely really just to give the reader the sense of feeling all warm inside, and really we have no idea whether they are appropriate adjectives and adverbs to describe what actually happened on the bench early this morning.) There have been no further reports of their whereabouts since then.
If you see Sigmund or Ivan, just simply give them your love, but if you can’t, then please contact us at FNOM@hottail.eu.uk. and we will give them your love for you.
Fantastic News of Middlesbrough 